Getting back to Me

December 28, 2009 at 7:23 pm 1 comment

It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog entry. And sadly, even longer since I’ve been on the mat. Almost a month. It’s actually probably been the longest “vacation” away from my mat that I’ve taken since I’ve begun practicing over a year ago (vacation sounds much nicer than absence…which it clearly is). And while I definitely feel the effects of missing yoga on my body and my mind, I seem to be waging an internal war with myself to get back to the mat.

It’s funny how when you really seem to need something the most, it’s always the thing that you want to do the least. Like when you have a cold, the best thing you could do for yourself is fill your belly with fresh fruits and veggies and stay home and rest. However what usually ends up happening is that you get Swiss Chalet take-out on your way home from the office, pop a couple of Tylenol cold tablets, maybe a cup of Neo-Citran and pray to the get-better-gods that you’ll feel almost human again in the morning. A far cry from the nourish your body and soul kind of love you really need when you’re sick.

This lack of yoga at the moment is a form of self sabotage and I really have no idea why I do it. In general, I haven’t been treating myself very nicely lately (clearly my body has been trying to tell me this as well). I haven’t been drinking enough water, yet had you asked me four months ago what my drink of choice would have been, I would have definitely answered the beautiful free and clear beverage of water. I have not been eating properly and this is also clearly taking effect on my body and my mental clarity. Granted it’s the Holidays and there are plenty of indulgences at every turn (take these And You Thought Cookies Were Bad for You for example!), but I know that deep inside I’m torturing my body and myself for some reason. Pizza? Yup, let’s have that for breakfast. And lunch. Oh, and dinner too. With a side of fries.

It’s almost like I’m seeing how “bad” I can get before I start down my path of feeling good and treating myself well again. I’ve lost myself in this bad-ness and know that I don’t like it, I don’t feel like “me”. Little devil man on my shoulder, your voice is totally drowning out the little angel on the other shoulder at the moment!

I’ve come up with all kinds of excuses in my head why I haven’t made it to Yoga: I’m too tired. I didn’t drink enough water today. The car is happy to stay in the garage. It’s been so long since I’ve been, they won’t recognize me at the studio anymore (side note: I did manage to make it to the studios Holiday Pot-Luck however! hmmm…). My throat is sore and I don’t want to get myself sicker. I’ve got too much to do. I’ll start again tomorrow. I need to bake more Christmas cookies. It’s too cold out. The cats want me to stay home. I’m not sure where all of my gear is and that would involve finding it. The list goes on and on. 

I totally thought I was ahead of the game today when I actually checked out the studio schedule of classes online. However despite my pro-activeness, I still didn’t make it to any classes.

The worst part though is knowing that this is getting me further away from achieving my goals and dreams of becoming certified to teach yoga, and one day opening my own yoga studio. I’m getting further away from what I want to achieve. If I can’t even keep a regular practice now, how do I expect to teach others to do the same? How do I demonstrate a beautiful Triangle Pose when I can’t even touch my toes?

But through all of this I know that deep down I just need to set my intention to get back into class and do it! My body and mind will thank me.

So tomorrow I am ensuring that I am going to flick that little noisy devil man off my shoulder and go to class and spend some quality re-connecting time with my mat. Get back to being “me”.

But that’s tomorrow. Pass those Christmas cookies please!


Entry filed under: Dreams & Goals, Random Thoughts. Tags: , , , , , .

And you thought cookies were bad for you… April 2009 Posture Video: Powerful Pose

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Tom  |  December 29, 2009 at 10:15 am

    Great post! I think it’s very true about the self sabotage and the kind of fear that builds up when you don’t go for a while. For me it’s always this problem of fitting it into the schedule and getting myself motivated to get up and go. I find that hard sometimes, but I’m trying to be a bit more honest with myself and say, yes, I do love yoga, but I also love lazing around the house. But yoga is important, even if going to it sometimes feels like work.

    It’s important work.

    Thanks for the post!


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